Utah Horoscopes

I’ve been kicking this idea of doing horoscopes, you know, because anyone could spit that crap out. But giving out horoscopes would not really fit in with the idea of this site. Then is struck me: do horoscopes for those living specifically in Utah. Brilliant! Well, maybe. I know that there are a decent number of people that cruise by this site at least one or two times per week. I am convinced that most of you are rubberneckers – you just do a slow drive-by to gawk at the carnage. Well, I invite you to take a moment and comment on whether or not you like Utah Horoscopes or not. Seriously, I’ll keep doing this until enough people tell me to stop.  It is a bit of work, so I'm looking for an excuse.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You are the type of person to take the last brownie from the pan without asking if everyone has had one. Or, in other words, you work for the Utah Senate. Try to be compassionate and generous and make sure everyone has had a piece before putting your grubby little hands on that brownie. You may be facing some tricky issues at work later on this month. Dodge them by skipping work and go golfing with a lobbyist. Do not let said lobbyist drive you home. If you are seeking romance, wait until April, or until your spouse has left town.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Moodiness and jealousy are on the menu. You may start to feel mad and plan revenge against those that do not even know that they have pissed you off. Stay away from anthrax and IRS buildings until after April 15. Go for a walk instead. Or take up knitting. Romance may be yours later in the month, but only if you are in a cheerful mood and not too consumed with making pipe bombs in the basement.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): This is your month for fun and romance. It does not matter what the weather is like, get out there and take life by the horns. Hit the slopes for some spring time skiing or boarding. You may meet a cute member of the Ski Patrol, as they drag your broken body off the mountain. Don’t let the moment pass you by – be persistent! Who knows, that person may come sign your body cast at the hospital and you two can share a Jell-O cup.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): This is not your month. Something has been bothering you at home. This is the month to stay away from police. Maybe they have been bugging you about a missing person, or have come storming into your home looking for someone. Do not confront them or encourage them. Keep your head down and your thoughts to yourself. Maybe you should get away for a little while. Talk through things with those you trust. By the end of the month things will start to look brighter. Stay away from strip clubs.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You are starting this month off with a bang, and the future looks bright! A trip to Las Vegas is in order, with another trip after that. But look out, you high roller, for things will come crashing down soon. Watch out for wolves. Groups of 64 don’t bother you, but groups of 32 will cause you great consternation. Overconfidence and a lack of toughness will be your downfall towards the end of the month. Try to avoid teams from the Big East, as well as strong mid-majors, at all costs.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You are antsy this month. You want to start a big project but you just can not get things going. This is not the time to push. Sure, you are waiting on a load of radioactive waste to come rolling into your shop, but do not push too hard to make it happen. Let that ad campaign run its course. Push too hard now and it will only slow things down more. Instead, try cautions deliberation and a whole briefcase full of money. Things have a way of working themselves out if you use sugar instead of lawyers.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Big things are waiting for you. This is the month to get things moving and really push that Ponzi scheme to the next level. Go ahead and talk to that hot chick you see at the coffee shop every day. Razzle-dazzle her with your new Lamborghini that you purchased with that widow’s life savings. But make sure to take time of the little things as well, like checking to make sure your phones are not tapped.  Watch your partners carefully.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You are conflicted between leaving things as they are or changing them. Do you let the federal government continue to run roughshod over you, or do you challenge them in court using eminent domain? Do not despair! By the middle of the month you can quit walking that tightrope because the right path will have opened up to you. Do not hide under a rock, but rather shout out your beliefs loadly over those of others people. P.S. – keep your guns close and your enemies closer.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): This is your month to shine! You are the one everyone is watching, and with good reason. Running for governor gets you lots of attention. Use the momentum to your advantage. Don’t get into a pissing match because you will only end up all wet. If you get a little tired, that’s okay. Cancel that open-door policy for an hour and take a nap on the taxpayers’ dime. You do enough for them as it is.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Work is going well and you are focused, but why is it that things just do not seem to be getting done? Maybe it is because you have not been able to get that liquor license yet. Maybe there is an overriding element of the population that knows nothing about what you do but insists on telling you how to do it anyway. Persevere! Cut away the extra clutter and run lean and mean. Don’t worry; someone will die soon and make another license available before summer.

Aquarius (1/22 – 2/18): Aren’t you just the smarty in the group? You can think your way out of any maze when you put your mind to it. This gift must be embraced this month. Putting your emotions on the shelf is not easy for you, but do so for a day or two to work your way through some intellectual knots. A dinner party may need to be planned for later in the month. Do so with gusto! But whatever you do, do not invite anyone from Utah State or Logan. They are sure to rain on your parade and puke in your potted plants.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Relationships are difficult. Sometimes you just want to take hold of someone and run away. Unfortunately, sometimes this is illegal. Don’t give up on the insanity tactic. Sometimes people get tired of trying to prove they are right and will just let you be. Make sure to take you-time this month. Meditate. Read a good, long book. Make up some new religious versus to be spouted out in court when the judge starts talking about you. Start an outline of your manifesto or credo. If anyone owes you, make sure they pay up before the end of the month. You never know what next month has in store for you.